Open Wounds

As the year goes by it feels like healing is happening. The hurt slightly subsides and you can begin to remember only the good things. Then before you know it the anniversary is here and it's like the scab has been removed and you're bleeding again.

Recently a family from our old neighborhood lost their 5 year old grandson. I want to tell the family that it's hard right now but with time it's easier, but I am finding out, 4 years later that it's not.

I miss Roman more today than I did a year ago. Seeing his picture hurts more now than it did 2 years ago. The heartache, the tear stained faces, even the sounds of the crying from the funeral are more vivid and somehow even louder in my head.

My Tia Concha, Roman's Mom, told me once that when a baby smiles in their sleep they are playing with angels. There were countless times when Louella was asleep in my arms and a big smile would cross her face, and my heart knew that Roman was with her. Playing peek-a-boo, talking with her, and making silly faces. As Louella would smile, my heart was filled because I knew that even though Louella will never know Cousin Roman in our world, she was already getting to know him in his. I know that when Louella was in the hospital for those awful 5 days, Roman stayed with her and with me.

The last time I wore my In Memory of Roman t-shirt was exactly a year ago. I was pregnant with Louella. This morning I had my t-shirt on, Lou was having a rough morning. She had been up crying since 5:45 am. It was now 7:45 and the tears were still flowing. I went to change her diaper and as soon as she sat up she looked over at my t-shirt and was eye-to-eye with Roman. She immediately stopped crying, and gave a giant smile as if to say "Hi!". There was a happy recognition on her face.

She reached out and touched his face and began to chat with Roman. It was as if she was reconnecting with an old friend. If there was any doubt that Louella had met Roman is heaven before we had her, it was all gone.

Even though I miss my Cousin Roman more than I thought I could, knowing that he is in heaven watching over our entire family is comforting. We have our own special Angel in heaven. Despite how comforting that thought is, I would give it up to have Roman back.

I miss you Roman and I love you so much.
Rest In Peace